But, One Wish: A Story About Grieving A Dream

Of course, like many young girls, I always knew I wanted to have children one day.  As I grew older, that thought became a plan…

I met my husband and dreams were becoming a reality. We had a very small wedding where we were married in a cute little chapel in Niagara Falls in June of 2009.  Plans of children had been discussed in the past, and of course, the decision was made for one healthy, beautiful baby. My husband had a 6-year-old little boy Tylor, and a 4-year-old little girl Hunter.

It didn’t take long for us to connect and become a cute little family of four, plus my two little furry babies.

Time had passed after the wedding and of course “baby” was all that was on my mind! Unfortunately, we did have a little roadblock: Richard had had a vasectomy after Hunter had been born. Not a problem as I had discussed this with Richard two weeks after we had started dating that I had a plan, and either he was in or he was out – he was in!

As the time approached for Richard and the “BIG” appointment, I could not help but get excited for what the future would bring us. I could picture a little girl, with my husband’s dark hair, my curls, his long dark eyelashes with my big blue eyes – she was a perfect little doll!

As time passed, Richard healed. And then a year later I had run into some fertility issues and needed surgery for Endometriosis.  I was scheduled for surgery, and again excited what the future would bring to us, and then another year passed.  Keeping track, monitoring, taking special medications – all of this to make my dream come true…. still nothing.  I was hurting, I was sad, I was disappointed and extremely angry with me and my life. I was overcome with guilt. I would never get to give my parents a little grandbaby, and my mom and I would miss out on that connection of 3 generations and all that my baby would have brought to her and me.  

All while this was going on with me, my sister had her first daughter. I felt like the universe was against me.

I would hear more and more stories of friends and acquaintances getting pregnant, having baby showers, picking names, oh and then running into them with the newborn and pretending to be happy for them. My anger was growing stronger, and I was no longer myself and nothing else was making me happy. My dreams were being crushed and it was totally out of my control.  I eventually was diagnosed with extreme depression and severe anxiety in June of 2015. I battled for 2 years with professional help. During that time I had finally come to the conclusion I needed to shut this dream down and move forward. NOT EASY! My sister at this time had given birth to her second little girl. 

I scheduled a hysterectomy on December 20th, 2016. To me, it was the only way I could see closing this chapter and an unfortunate part of my life that I was still angry and struggling to overcome. When the date of the surgery grew closer, I felt worse than I ever did. It felt like I had a 500-pound weight attached to my body. My heart was broken into pieces and no one could help me.

Days after the surgery, Christmas came and went, my birthday passed by and January 2017 began. I started to feel better shortly into the year. I was setting new expectations for myself slowly, with a bigger focus on self-care. I went back to work in June of 2017 with a fresh new start and a fresh new job at Plan A. I wanted to find a new sense of purpose for my life and I was able to accomplish just that with my new career! As a Recruiter at Plan A, I get to meet with amazing and talented individuals from all walks of life. These people are filled with hearts of gold, patience, and are very dedicated workers. Caring for seniors is their top priority. They are our front-line workers that care for your mother, father, aunt or uncle, sister or brother, or your friend.

I have never felt so fulfilled in what I do daily; I have a purpose in life –  a very important purpose now. My purpose is handpicking the right fit of health care professionals to care for your loved ones in Long Term Care at the time they need it the most. 

As 2020 approaches, Tylor will be 20 years old, Hunter will be 18 and they are growing into amazing young adults with hearts of gold and great personalities. As for my furry babies, I have my two dogs and our family has grown to include a cat and a rabbit that occupy a large part of their Mummy’s heart.

Today, I can say that I am so very thankful for Richard, Tylor, and Hunter. Not that I was not before, but I guess even more than words could express now. They helped me through the toughest part of my life. Richard has been my rock, with his patience, gentle ways, kind heart, and his amazing support. I am truly unsure where I would be if I did not have these three amazing people in my life.

If you are ever struggling with what life throws your way, I encourage you to surround yourself with a great support system and shift your focus to things that will help reignite your happiness and perhaps help you find your purpose.  

~ Crystal Leopold-Chartrand, Recruiter – Plan A Sudbury

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